February 14, 2018

By Mark Faris “The Coast Bard”

As yours truly continues to explore the wonder years (that magical time triggered by the Big FiveOh), It becomes increasing apparent I am placing limitations on unnecessary physical exertion.
Some of it is subconscious. Sort of a survival instinct. Some is intentional.

For instance, just the other day, en route to part-time work as demonic exorcist to the stars, I tossed some trash into a local dumpster and inadvertently let slip a ziplock bag I had packed for lunch.

It contained a disappointing tangle of linguini and meatballs I’d prepared the previous night. And although the sloppy repast wasn’t exactly three-star, it still was edible and would serve to eliminate the expense and inconvenience of ordering to-go grub. Which isn’t always easy in the exorcism biz.

Demons are not amenable to lunch breaks, quiet time or accordion recitals. And so much more, for that matter.

After requisite I-can’t-believe-I-did-that cussing, spitting, head-shaking, eye-rolling and foot-stomping, I stared deeply into the stinking dumpster abyss and realized considerable acrobatic skill would be required to retrieve that packet of pasta and piquant orbs.

In more youthful years, I may have given at least second thought to retrieving the chow.

Now, however. No way. No way at all.

And, as I pedaled linguini-less off into the horizon whistling a medley of Stephen Foster favorites, it occurred to me this was by no means an isolated incident.

Increasingly, the concept has backstroked through my gray matter. Unnecessary physical effort is being eschewed in favor of less taxing alternatives.

Stooping, bending and reaching, for example, have come under particular scrutiny. Running and jumping, too.

If recovery of an errant doodad involves anything short of a $50 bill, 4-get-it. Save the energy for a tango. Or conga line. Or occasional smile. Good advice at an age when even a sneeze can be cause for lingering trauma.

Incidentally, it may be of interest to some, that dramatic increases in demonic possession are being reported by the International Association of Exorcists.

Indeed.

According to religious leaders, the upsurge, may be attributable to problems with diagnosis in the mental health system.

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